It's Not You, It's the Stress: How to Protect Your Couple Bubble

Elizabeth Earnshaw shares 5 insights from ‘Til Stress Do Us Part: How to Heal the #1 Issue in Our Relationships.

Does your love life ever stress you out? Well maybe you’ve got it backwards -- maybe it’s stress that’s causing trouble in your love life. Couples therapist

Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT

makes this case in the new book 'Til Stress Do Us Part: How to Heal the #1 Issue in Our Relationships. Elizabeth is a licensed marriage and family therapist and the founder of A Better Life Therapy. She posts on Instagram as lizlistens and writes

The Balancing Act

on Substack. Read or listen to five of her big ideas below:

The 5 Key Insights

1. It's not you, it's the stress.

2. Your nervous system gets the first word.

3. Mind the gap.

4. Choose where your energy goes.

5. Create a system.

1. It’s not you, it’s the stress.

Couples often come to my office confused about why they are fighting so much. These are people who love and respect each other, but just can’t seem to get along in daily life. Some describe themselves as withdrawn from each other. Others say they experience frequent verbal arguments. Some couples describe a mix of both, such as a dance of yelling at each other only to retreat to their rooms, avoiding further contact. These couples blame many things: their partner’s upbringing, lack of communication skills, or an incompatible attachment style. These factors can influence how people get along. However, I often see a different culprit: stress.

Studies show that stress reduces our ability to connect with our partners because of how it impacts both our physiology and mind. When under stress, the body sends adrenaline and cortisol throughout the system. These hormones increase heart rate. A heart rate of 100 beats per minute or more impacts internal organs (have you ever noticed that you need to pee more when you’re nervous?) and signals to the brain that we’re unsafe. Because of these signals of threat or danger, the brain starts to think differently. A person under stress begins losing relational capacities like humor, affection, curiosity, listening skills, and problem-solving. This makes sense for the original intended purpose of a threat response. It’s not helpful to laugh at a joke, for example, if a lion is chasing you. However, these responses can be problematic in relationships.