The Human Skill AI Can’t Replace
As technology mediates more of our interactions, a former FBI spy catcher says the ability to read people face-to-face is increasingly rare, and increasingly valuable.
The Big Idea: Most of us think communication is about words. It isn’t. Every day, people reveal their emotions, needs, intentions, and level of comfort through posture, facial expressions, distance, movement, and countless other nonverbal cues. Learning to notice those signals—and manage our own—can transform our relationships.
Why It Matters: The strongest predictor of a long, happy life isn’t wealth, status, or achievement. It’s the quality of our relationships. In an age increasingly dominated by screens and AI, the ability to connect face-to-face may be becoming one of our most valuable human skills.
Try This: In your next conversation, spend less time thinking about what you’re going to say next and more time observing. How much space does the other person prefer? Do they lean in or pull back? What emotions are showing up beneath their words?
These ideas come from Mastering Connections: Build Stronger Relationships with the Science of Body Language by Joe Navarro. Navarro is a 25-year FBI veteran and former counterintelligence agent, now a globally recognized expert on nonverbal communication who consults for major corporations and governments worldwide. Read on for 5 of his big ideas.
1. Most people go through life merely looking but not truly seeing.
Many people glance at faces, rooms, gestures, or even events unfolding before them, yet fail to extract meaning from what is plainly there. From childhood, we are taught to read books, solve equations, and memorize facts, but almost never are we taught the disciplined art of observation. And yet observation is one of the most important survival skills, and one which exceptional individuals all share.
Observation is the foundation of situational awareness. It allows us to read the room before a word is spoken, to sense the tension among colleagues already waiting in a room, or to see that someone needs quiet time alone. The skilled observer sees not just what is present, but what is absent, what has changed, what is incongruent, and what demands attention first. Knowing what needs your attention now, in this moment above all, is most important.
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2. How to assess for needs and preferences.
The quicker we can assess needs or preferences, the quicker we become more trustworthy, reliable, and dependable in their eyes. Through observation, we can instinctively adjust our distance, tone, pace, energy, and timing. We can synchronize better with others, and synchrony is harmony. We can deliver on their needs because we can sense them. If they are tired, hungry, thirsty, or lost, we can assist immediately before they have to say a word. That level of attentiveness is endearing.
Some people require more personal space. Others need more time before they trust. Some prefer directness, while others respond better to warmth and gradual engagement. The skilled observer recognizes these preferences early and adapts accordingly. Honoring the personal preferences of others is so important. This makes the person feel understood and safe—and safety is the foundation upon which trust is built. It lets them know that we get it, that it is okay to talk standing further apart, or to whisper in the hallway, or to share a hot drink while discussing business early in the morning.
Behavior is information. Every movement, every hesitation, every shift in posture, every silence tells a story. The body leaks truth continuously. We may carefully edit our words, but our comfort, fears, insecurities, confidence, and intentions reveal themselves nonverbally.
3. Recognizing and diffusing conflict before it escalates.
We’ve all experienced emotional moments when things get out of hand, but most of us aren’t taught how to look for the features that signal things are going to escalate, nor are we taught how to properly de-escalate. You can use your body to de-escalate by using proven methods such as angling slightly, making less eye contact, and using the tone of your voice to calm things down. Even a well-executed exhale at the right moment can make a nervous or tense individual settle down.
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4. How to earn the trust of others.
If you ask most people how to be trustworthy, they might say one or two things: I’ll be at work on time or if I find a cellphone, I’ll return it to the owner. Yes, we expect that from everyone. But establishing trust is so much more than that. Trust is one of those things no one asks for directly, but they look for in our behavior. Trust is performative.
How we perform every day creates and increases our trustworthiness. Our attitude, our attention to detail, the timeliness of our actions, the performance of our duties, the speed at which we react or act, and our ability to deliver on time all speak to our trustworthiness. Trust is our responsibility to display at all times.
The trustworthy observer notices what others overlook: who feels excluded, who is overwhelmed, who is frightened, who is masking distress behind a smile or forced confidence, and who quietly needs support. Most people never verbalize their struggles directly; they reveal them through behavior, posture, silence, distance, and subtle changes in demeanor. To recognize these signals and respond with understanding rather than indifference. Those abilities are what garner trust.
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5. Making immediate positive and lasting first impressions.
According to Dr. Nalini Ambady at Harvard University and her colleagues, we make judgments in as little as 30 milliseconds. That’s faster than you can blink. That means we have to get how we are perceived right from the very beginning.
Our energy, our eagerness, our enthusiasm, even our manners are nonverbals that get noticed and either have a positive effect on others or don’t. Did you know that the worst thing you can do on a virtual call is to hold still? You are perceived as less trustworthy.
Something as important as how to increase how long people will engage with us—what I call face time—is important if you want to get a point across. Great storytelling helps, but you can use your own body, even your neck, to get people to stay and talk to you longer in a way that is more powerful than asking. Even your feet can help others stay with you longer.
Men and women differ in how they bond and so much of that is based on nonverbals. Standing side by side while making no eye contact works for some, while others must make frequent eye contact, making connection better if they face each other. Even how we touch things or hold them, and how frequently, matters. Especially when it comes to loved ones.
The findings of the Harvard Grant Study, which has been ongoing since before World War II, are surprising. Success and longevity are not determined by where you come from, how wealthy your family is, or how many push-ups you can do. The greatest predictor of success and longevity is amiability: the ability to get along with others, be well-liked, and have a group of friends you can trust, touch, laugh with, and hold.
In a world where young people report being isolated, sad, and depressed, while having more ways to communicate than at any other time in human history, it is because they are not connecting as we evolved to connect. It is due, in part, to how they communicate. There is less face-to-face interpersonal contact—it is less tactile. There is less hugging and less hand-holding. There is less of what the great Desmond Morris called disguised intimacy. It is that healthy intimacy that is so often missing with young people and with the elderly who, for a variety of reasons, are more isolated than ever at increasing rates.
We are a species that communicates principally nonverbally. How well we do that shapes how we are perceived, how others associate with us, but most importantly how long we will live and how happy we will be. Sobering thoughts in the time of AI. This book is the antidote.