The GLASS DOORS! Yes! I am the primary caregiver for my mother and it has been such a viciously silo-ed experience. The truth is that we will all age and our bodies will deteriorate. However, our society attempts to deny this at every turn. Few things in our communities are designed with any of this in mind. It has been a very lonely and frustrating experience.
A appreciate your comment from the other side. I have one sibling, my sister. She was the primary support for our mother for all of the declining years. I was career oriented. The bigger difference- I was the sole provider to my children and a single mother. She was married and had a spousal support system. That said, she ended up being a caregiver. She resents me (we have a respectful, candid relationship). I tried to be there for her during the decline years, but now I realize I wasn’t enough- she was in a silo and alone while the rest of us were working. It is a hard system for all of us. The home care and then the nursing home years were the dominant force in her life.
It feels like a no-win situation. Do you think more affordable/accessible care -- for your mother and your children -- would have made things easier on you and your sister and caused less resentment in your family?
It is more often the psychological support. When there is professional physical care it is nice, but daily/weekly visits, calls from providers and the related decision making take a lot of time and emotional energy. Because the US health care system is fragmented- family may need to track drugs to prevent over subscribing. And, when elders get confused, a child becomes the parent and may need to say no to activities and options. There is a lot of hidden support and I believe it is that side of the support equation that is the hardest.
I look forward to reading this! I am the family caretaker for my 96 year old father; in a Military family. Conflicted by a list of reasons to be angry with him but also trying to do right by him, with some grace. I retired from public school teaching (middle school for 25 years) Dear Elissa, I seek the Magic from within. I have read that many in Asian cultures recognize the emotional toll and therefore are better at supporting caregivers; it is a cultural issue, thank you for your efforts to try to correct it.
Yesterday in the New York Times, Surgeon General Vivek Murthy wrote about the immense stress parents are under:
"Something has to change. It begins with fundamentally shifting how we value parenting, recognizing that the work of raising a child is crucial to the health and well-being of all society. This change must extend to policies, programs and individual actions designed to make this vital work easier."
I spent five years researching the care crisis and learned that this will not happen with policy alone. We must pull this crisis up by its very deep, very tangled roots, because it's not just our government who devalues care but our whooooole culture. Thanks so much to everyone who read this interview, and if you want to better understand how care has been devalued and what it would look like to really value care in our lives, hearts, and communities, check out my book!
The GLASS DOORS! Yes! I am the primary caregiver for my mother and it has been such a viciously silo-ed experience. The truth is that we will all age and our bodies will deteriorate. However, our society attempts to deny this at every turn. Few things in our communities are designed with any of this in mind. It has been a very lonely and frustrating experience.
A appreciate your comment from the other side. I have one sibling, my sister. She was the primary support for our mother for all of the declining years. I was career oriented. The bigger difference- I was the sole provider to my children and a single mother. She was married and had a spousal support system. That said, she ended up being a caregiver. She resents me (we have a respectful, candid relationship). I tried to be there for her during the decline years, but now I realize I wasn’t enough- she was in a silo and alone while the rest of us were working. It is a hard system for all of us. The home care and then the nursing home years were the dominant force in her life.
It feels like a no-win situation. Do you think more affordable/accessible care -- for your mother and your children -- would have made things easier on you and your sister and caused less resentment in your family?
It is more often the psychological support. When there is professional physical care it is nice, but daily/weekly visits, calls from providers and the related decision making take a lot of time and emotional energy. Because the US health care system is fragmented- family may need to track drugs to prevent over subscribing. And, when elders get confused, a child becomes the parent and may need to say no to activities and options. There is a lot of hidden support and I believe it is that side of the support equation that is the hardest.
I look forward to reading this! I am the family caretaker for my 96 year old father; in a Military family. Conflicted by a list of reasons to be angry with him but also trying to do right by him, with some grace. I retired from public school teaching (middle school for 25 years) Dear Elissa, I seek the Magic from within. I have read that many in Asian cultures recognize the emotional toll and therefore are better at supporting caregivers; it is a cultural issue, thank you for your efforts to try to correct it.
Yesterday in the New York Times, Surgeon General Vivek Murthy wrote about the immense stress parents are under:
"Something has to change. It begins with fundamentally shifting how we value parenting, recognizing that the work of raising a child is crucial to the health and well-being of all society. This change must extend to policies, programs and individual actions designed to make this vital work easier."
I spent five years researching the care crisis and learned that this will not happen with policy alone. We must pull this crisis up by its very deep, very tangled roots, because it's not just our government who devalues care but our whooooole culture. Thanks so much to everyone who read this interview, and if you want to better understand how care has been devalued and what it would look like to really value care in our lives, hearts, and communities, check out my book!
Glad to see that advisory from the Surgeon General yesterday. Caregiving is stressful, undervalued work. https://www.hhs.gov/about/news/2024/08/28/us-surgeon-general-issues-advisory-mental-health-well-being-parents.html