The Science of Why You Should Talk to Strangers
University of Chicago behavioral scientist Nicholas Epley on why we underestimate the joy of connecting with others — and the small choices that change that.
The Big Idea: Most of us spend our days surrounded by opportunities for connection that we routinely ignore. We stay quiet on the train, avoid chatting with strangers, and hesitate to reach out to friends. The irony? Research shows those interactions are usually far more enjoyable and meaningful than we expect.
Why It Matters: Loneliness isn’t just unpleasant. It’s a serious health risk. Social isolation is associated with poorer physical health, lower happiness, and shorter lifespans. Yet many of us avoid connection because we mistakenly assume it will be awkward, uncomfortable, or unwelcome. We’re wrong more often than we realize.
Try This: Today, make one small social move: text a friend you’ve been meaning to contact, chat with the cashier, or strike up a conversation with someone nearby. When in doubt, reach out.
These ideas come from A Little More Social: How Small Choices Create Unexpected Happiness, Health, and Connection by Nicholas Epley. Nicholas is a professor of behavioral science and faculty director of the Roman Family Center for Decision Research at the University of Chicago’s Booth School of Business. Read on for 5 of his big ideas.
1. Social isolation kills.
Centuries ago, Aristotle noted that “man is by nature a social animal.” But I think even Aristotle would be surprised by just how important social connections really are to our happiness and health, and even to how long we live.
Decades and decades of psychological research indicate that being connected to other people is one of the most consistently enjoyable, enlightening, and enriching experiences we have, arguably influencing our happiness more than almost anything else.
Being socially isolated, in contrast, is a social stressor that pumps cortisol into our bloodstream, compromises immune function, and harms cardiovascular function. Being socially isolated turns out to be as big a risk factor for early death as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Being isolated kills our happiness, harms our health, and can shorten our lives.
2. Social connection is a choice.
Social connection isn’t something that just happens to us; it’s also a choice we make: to reach out and connect with another person or hold back and avoid them. It might be the most important choice we routinely make in our lives because how we make this choice determines so much about our happiness, health, and success.
“It might be the most important choice we routinely make in our lives.”
Research over the last 50 years has shown that those of us who reach out to connect with others more routinely are happier and more satisfied in their lives, a finding that holds for both introverts and extroverts. Some of the most surprising research in the field of wellbeing even documents that encouraging people to act more extroverted, whether in a short 30-minute lab session or over the course of several weeks, increases people’s wellbeing. Meanwhile, acting more introverted diminishes well-being, again for both introverts and extroverts alike.
How you might choose to reach out and connect with others will be unique to you. However, choosing to hold back and avoid others can rob us of happiness and well-being we could otherwise have in our lives.
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3. Mistaken pessimism creates mistaken avoidance.
Both my career and my character changed one morning on my commute into my office at the University of Chicago. That morning, I noticed something odd that I had been overlooking for years. There I was, sitting in a train loaded with people, and we were sitting in complete silence, choosing to ignore each other. That morning, I struck up a conversation with the person sitting next to me—a woman wearing a fabulous red hat. That conversation turned out not just to be good, but surprisingly good.
From that moment came an experiment we conducted on the trains going into Chicago. We found that my pessimism wasn’t unique. Commuters thought they would have the happiest commutes if they kept to themselves rather than talk to a stranger, but we found the exact opposite to be true when we had people do each of these things.
People underestimate how positively reaching out to connect with someone will turn out, and as a result, we mistakenly avoid reaching out to connect with other people when it is easy and safe to do so. This misplaced pessimism is now a result we have seen repeatedly, causing us to be overly avoidant across many areas of our lives.
4. Reaching out reaches back.
It’s so easy for us to miss the amount of power we have to create meaningful social connections every single day. Our social lives are governed by the norm of reciprocity: you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours. When you smile at someone, what do they tend to back to you? When you say hello, most people tend to say hello back.
“Our social lives are governed by the norm of reciprocity.”
And yet, our research shows that it’s easy to underestimate the power we have when we reach out to connect with someone in a positive way. This misunderstanding is a key reason we underestimate how much we can enrich our lives by reaching out to connect with others a little more often.
5. Recognize easy opportunities routinely.
Being overly pessimistic about how positively others will respond to us if we reach out to connect doesn’t mean we should be reaching out all the time or that it always turns out well. It means we underestimate the likelihood that it will turn out well.
We can all choose to connect a little more wisely if we keep four words in mind: Recognize Easy Opportunities Routinely.
These words are a reminder to notice easy moments to connect with others and then choose those moments routinely so they become habits. This is a key to enriching your social life, which in turn will enrich, enlighten, and increase the enjoyment you have in life overall. To get started, I suggest keeping one final thought in mind: when in doubt, reach out.